I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
