she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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