he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
