I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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