I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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