an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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