It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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