Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
