I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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