now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I forgot how hot balto sounded
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
