he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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