Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
