My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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