im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Found the puke drawer
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
