I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
