he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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