I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You ruined the universe
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
