I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
