It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
