My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
