Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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