I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
