Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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