I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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