those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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