Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
