Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
