i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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