Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
