And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
