Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
