our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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