Nicole vs. Life
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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