Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
