Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
