Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
