I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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