When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there were birth control emojis
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize