two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
