My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
