Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Actions speak louder than pants.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
