hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
