What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
