My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
