There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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