like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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