I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
