he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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