well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
