I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
