this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
