We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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