I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
