Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
