You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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