Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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