my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
