So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
