Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
time to smoke my breakfast
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
